This house was built for laser tag.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
