i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
