I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
