just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
