i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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