dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
