so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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