I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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