Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
