I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
