She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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