Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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