I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
