he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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