i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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