I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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