I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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