I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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