What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
