two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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