he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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