he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
