you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
