new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
