We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
