life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
