found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
