3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
