I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
