I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
