so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
