They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
