I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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