i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
