I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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