There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
