My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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