She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
