Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
