I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
