my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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