so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
