every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
