Dude my mom stole all your condoms
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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