Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
