Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
