Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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