my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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