I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
