oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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