Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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